Nacho Tips: The Best Chips for Nachos

What is the Best Chip for Nachos?

baby nachos

Occasionally I’ll just be out noodling about, playing a bit of soccer in a gravel alleyway (or nearby a rectangular building) while pigeons flit and fret or waiting for February to shrivel up and die or matriculating across a shallow ice-flecked pond or stuffing a gray squirrel with various tubers or whatnot, and someone will stop me (somewhat dangerous when I’m holding a turnip!) and politely ask, “What are the best chips for nachos?”

That’s a glow question. And here’s a glow answer. An answer that is salty, creamy, crunchy, noble, and bright:

  1. First, let’s remember the essence of nachos: simplicity. Nachos are like distance running or archery or Pepto-Bismol–they make life vivid. Now, should you grow corn/press mesa flour/mold a stone mortar from a river boulder/marry an Olympic pole-vaulter/heat oil/buy a slotted spoon made in a particular region (most likely northern) of Mexico? Hell and no. PURCHASE your chips at a store.
  2. What type of chip? Chunky. Solid. Think aircraft carrier. Think disc golf Frisbee, Champion plastic, 175 grams. Think lawsuit. Think Dickens Novel. The bane of nachos is a flimsy chip. And soggy chips are very similar to soggy diamonds—useless. The bible says never build a house on sand. The Koran says never trust a spider with an engineering degree. Buddha says even plums can create snow. Get it? Peer at the bag of chips. Shake it (the chips should rattle not hiss). A single chip should be able to hold four American quarters, stacked.
  3. PRO TIP: Do you see broken chips in the unopened bag? You shouldn’t.
  4. “White or Yellow or Blue Corn?” she asked while wandering a winding garden path of avocados and ceramic gnomes (she was reading Borges, fucking Borges). White is best. Yellow is second but can be musty, a bit burnt corny at times. Blue is sort of stupid and often too oaty. Most humans (even hipsters) just don’t like blue food.
  5. For various layering and tertiary topping concerns, triangles are preferred over circular chips.
  6. PRO TIP: Listen. I invented nachos. I know things you don’t know. Want to blow minds open like Mylar balloons? WARM your chips before beginning the nacho process. 350 in oven, 5 minutes.
  7. All of this makes a lot of sense, but could you name exact chips like a helicopter parent? Could I?!

SURE:

  • Tortilla Original chips. Huge, triangular, crunchy. A tad SALTY but everything else about this chip slays the dragon.
  • Mission. Just a Toyota Camry of a chip. It does what it does. Every single time.
  • Garden of Eatin’: Probably the best overall chip but also way too BLINGY for my nachos frequency. Flavorful, thick, structurally glow. A bocce ball of a chip, its heft like a sweet memory of primeval clay in the claw of a dove.
  • Santitas. This chip has been recently controversial, due to a 28 cent price raise and an odd mirror inserted into the rear interior of the bag. Several of my colleagues are boycotting Santitas. Still, a solid 9 of 10 chip and was ONCE two bucks a bag! Santitas, you cur! But I forgive you, the extra profits no doubt going to Parisian disco trips and R&D for further nachos.

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